Slow Ride, Take It Easy

New posts won't be as frequent today or over the weekend. Unfortunately, I'll be away from the computer for most of the day and, in all honesty, I need to recover from the Tom Cruise proposal.

Cruise Missile Goes Off

God help us all. It's official, Captain Scientology (seen above doing his patented 'My penis is this big' move) proposed to Katie Holmes last night at the Eiffel Tower:

Appearing with Holmes at a Paris news conference, the 42-year-old revealed how he had chosen the city of romance to make his move. "Yes I proposed to Kate last night ... because it is very beautiful and romantic here," Cruise said, smiling and exchanging glances with Holmes, who was sitting in the audience. "I haven't slept all night. It's very exciting and very beautiful," Cruise said... - Reuters

Where's the 'barf up my breakfast' emoticon?

Gamer Geekdom At Its Best (Worst)

I'm not ashamed to admit my love of video games but this is a bit pathetic. G4TV is actually holding a video game vixen beauty pageant. It's creepy and oh so sad all at the same time. Here are some actual comments taken from their voting section:

I wouldn't mind being locked in the barn with her!... blondy of da year 05! she's gotta pull it down & pull it up... well she's got the tan lines in all the right places. that's something none of the others really have. - G4tv.com

Time to get out of mom's basement there boys. Is their a support group out there for this kind of stuff?

Schiavo Autopsy Confirms Frist's Idiocy

The results of Terry Schiavo's autopsy, released earlier today, support her husband’s position about her 'vegetative' state. The autopsy also confirms, without a doubt, that Republican Senator Bill Frist (M.D.) is a complete flippin' idiot. In one of the lowest and most thinly veiled political gambits of the year Frist stood in front of the Senate and made a 'diagnosis' based solely on a family video. With his beady little eyes focused right on the 2008 Presidential Primaries the arrogant bastard stated that Florida doctors had erred in saying that Terry Schiavo was in a "persistent vegetative state." and that:

"She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli." - MSNBC.com

Clearly, Frist intended to gain the favour (and votes) of conservative activists who were fighting against a court's injunction to remove her feeding tube. Dr. Frist, if you can be called that, the proverbial cat is out of the bag. The autopsy report concluded that:

...she was in a persistent vegetative state, finding that she had massive and irreversible brain damage...It also found no evidence that she was strangled or otherwise abused...she was blind, because the "vision centers of her brain were dead," and that her brain was about half of its expected size when she died 13 days following the feeding tube's removal. "The brain weighed 615 grams, roughly half of the expected weight of a human brain," he said. "This damage was irreversible, and no amount of therapy or treatment would have regenerated the massive loss of neurons."- CNN.com

The peddling of medical opinions for conservative favour is reprehensible. Bill Frist's license to practice should be revoked, he should be kicked out of the Senate and, in my opinion, the self-righteous bonehead should be publicly flogged.

"When Buildings Fall", Next On FOX

The world will soon face the horrible fallout of ABC's hit (?) Dancing With The Stars. FOX has just announced that it's created a revolutionary new show:

The new program, aptly titled, "Skating with Celebrities" will pair famous faces with well-known pros in a weekly elimination competition, reports Variety..."If it's interesting to see celebrities ballroom dancing, it's going to be incredibly interesting to see if they can master a double axel and a spin," said FOX reality programming boss Mike Darnell. Darnell believes the huge popularity of Olympic figure skating proves that viewers have an appetite for the show. -FOX News via A Socialite's Life

I imagine it took a whole army of FOX creative geniuses to come up with such an original title. Olympic figure skating? "Huge popularity"...wuzzza?!?!....huh?!?!

Missing Olsen Found In Airport

Over sized glasses? Check. Crappy thrift store jewelery? Check. Poor fashion sense? Check. Total body fat 0.0001%? Check. Tori Spelling is, in fact, the third Olsen twin. I don't know what's more amazing, her hideousness, or the fact that in the next photo people were asking for her autograph (?!?).

The Dark Knight Truly Returns

It sounds as if director Chris Nolan got it right this time around:

This is at last the Batman movie I've been waiting for. The character resonates more deeply with me than the other comic superheroes, perhaps because when I discovered him as a child, he seemed darker and more grown-up than the cheerful Superman. He has secrets. - Roger Ebert

My faith in the Dark Knight movie franchise might be restored after all. Sweet.

Is That a Gun In Your Pocket....

..or are you just happy to see me? FOX News continues to search for 'fair & balanced' credibility. Two stories of note:

The bank robber was a knockout — until she opened her mouth to speak. That's when her voice, which a cop described as "deep and masculine," revealed that the curvy criminal was in fact a man...

And the hit-you-where-you-live journalism continues:

The organizers of World Naked Bike Ride 2005 said protests were expected in a number of countries, including Australia, Canada, the United States, Ireland, Italy, Latvia and Israel. -FOXNews.com

FOX News: a veritable bastion of journalistic integrity.

Bred For Their Skills In Magic

And we all thought that Napolean was full of crap:

Both ligers and tigons exist in captivity, and the pictures and description reproduced above do correspond to one such example of the former, a liger named Hercules who lives at the Institute of Greatly Endangered and Rare Species in Myrtle Beach. (full story and more pics on Snopes.com)

Hidden Cause Of Slow Economy

This just in: The Bush administration isn't to blame for the poor U.S. economy! The real reason you ask? Wacko Jacko and Terry Schiavo. The thousands of people who apparently have no-jobs (and lives) that lived for weeks on end in 'Schiavo-Town' and Camp Innocence crushed the economy under the weight of their own inactivity. There they were, cheering, screaming, protesting, but most importantly not working, not paying taxes, and not spending money. The capitalist juggernaut didn't stand a chance. Man you could write a thesis on this. Stay tuned next week for a lecture on how Brangelina and Bennifer have corrupted the family unit and unravelled the moral fibre of America. Scheduled Guest Speakers: Dr. Phil, Anne Coulter, and Jennifer Anniston.

Wacko Jacko Gets Off

I've reduced the image a bit for obvious reasons. CNN, in its infinite wisdom, is reporting that:

...a comeback for self-titled 'King of Pop' would be tough.

Wow, that's impressive journalism. Could this be the reason:

...he also alienated many in the music industry with a press conference he gave in July 2002 when he called former Sony Music executive Tommy Mottola -- Jackson's then boss -- "racist" and "very, very devilish." Jackson also held up a picture of Mottola smeared with a pitchfork and devil horns. - CNN

Or maybe...I dunno...just a guess...a comeback might be tough because...er... HE'S A F***ING FREAK (see above pic for confirmation).

Saving The Environment One Pee At A Time

Take a ride on the Sheep Pee Express:

The Stagecoach company has fitted a bus in Winchester with a tank of sheep urine. The waste is sprayed into exhaust fumes to reduce emissions of harmful nitrous oxides, The Guardian reported Friday. - WebIndia123.com

I don't care how good it is for the environment, it still grosses me out.

For The Greater Good

Mike Tyson decides to (finally) quit boxing after suffering another humiliating defeat at the hands of a nobody. At least the poster boy for anger management is hanging up the gloves for honourable reasons:

"I most likely won't fight anymore. I'm not going to disrespect the sport by losing to this caliber of fighters." -Tyson (c/o mywaynews.com/AP)

I guess he didn't 'disrespect' the sport when he bit off a man's ear, or when he was convicted of rape, or when he said any of these lovely things:

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children." ... "There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right." ... “I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.” ... "All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too." (quotations c/o Big-Boys.com)

Super Crap The Movie

War of The Worlds watch out! This insta-classic might give the self destructing Cruise Missile some box-office competition. With a plot like this how could you possibly go wrong:

A motorcycle saga that chronicles the personal journey of two brothers who overcome emotional and physical obstacles to achieve success in the competitive world of Supercross racing. The brothers' conflicts are magnified by their different life choices and their decision to become competitors and rivals. - Hollywood.com (trailer at Apple.com)

I'm sure this is the first (and last) time 'saga' and 'supercross' have ever been used in the same sentence. By all accounts feces tossing monkeys are now writing Hollywood screenplays.