Monday, August 22, 2005

Summer of Crap '05

As the end of summer fast approaches it's time for movie fans to wax nostalgic about all the celluloid gems of the past few months. There was the high octane classic Stealth:
A pretty fair military-hardware action movie until you start thinking about it -- at which point it turns incredibly sour in your mouth. I can therefore recommend it to any and all audiences lacking higher brain functions. Sea cucumbers, perhaps. Ones waving American flags. - The Boston Globe
And we can't forget that Deuce Bigalow Part Deux: aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes...As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks. - Roger Ebert
Of course we can't leave out the genre most favoured by brain dead cephalopods, the romantic comedy:
Must Love Dogs is bad; and not even in a cute, breezy, watch-it-and-forget-about-it sort of way. It’s just bad — the kind of movie only blue-haired ladies pumped up on Hormone Replacement Therapy and Vicodin could intermittently giggle at, though they’d probably find more pleasure in playing connect-the-dots with their goddamned liver spots. Ironically, given that it’s a film about online dating, it actually plays out like a half-witted, 98-minute commercial attempting to tactfully remind you that you’re 30ish, single, and so hard-up for a fucking date that you're willing to post that 10-year-old Glamour Shot to a website if it might get you laid. - Pajiba
It's staggering that box-office numbers are so low when considering the wealth of original material out there like Dukes of Hazzard:
As Dukes drags to a close, you might ask yourself how many car chases you can watch before your eyes glaze over. At one point, the film's narrator says, "If you have to go to the bathroom, now would be the wrong time." I beg to differ. There is no wrong time to flush this turd. - Rolling Stone
And last but surely not least the insta-classic, Supercross, which was apparently written by feces flinging monkeys:
The most amazing fact about Supercross is that it took three people to write it. Two chimpanzees with a typewriter could have done just as good a job. Really, it took two people just to come up with the story for this film!? And two people to actually write the script? And the best they could come up with are gems of dialogue like, "He's lucky to have you, to help him and stuff" (girlfriend to motocross racer who feels his brother doesn't appreciate him) and, "Your shoes cost more, but you're just like the rest of us" (short-skirted motocross groupie to lawyer-girlfriend of motocross racer)? - Baltimore Sun
If anyone ever blames plummeting box-office sales on downloading in your presence remind them kindly of the absolute garbagio that was created in the summer of '05 and smack them upside their ignorant heads.


At 10:43, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let’s not forget about such impressive summer gems as Herbie: Fully Loaded or the Fantastic Four. They were great examples of real talent and execution...

At 18:31, Blogger Johnny Wadd said...

The past few years i've been dismayed at the crap coming out of Hollywood. I can't remember ever a time of less interest in going to or renting movies.

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